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Chapter Two: Anxiety sparks my creativity

Welcome to my New Blog Series

Failures & Flexibility; the journey of embracing Pole Dance, navigating failures, empowering women and the challenges of self employment.

Chapter Two

If you were offered a pill to take away all your Anxiety; would you take it?

My answer is no, when i look at how my life has shaped together so far, business, personal life and relationships. Anxiety has driven so many of my choices and had a positive impact on how i live my life.

Of course it is also my biggest weakness, it limits me in doing what i believe i can do and can significantly draw me back and take me off track regularly.

But i also believe sometimes i've needed to be thrown off track, as much as it hurts, it has a way of showing you perspective and helping you crawl out a hole you don't realise you're deep in. If that makes any sense...

I regularly think about the end (haha) and I worry 'Am i going too look back and think, jeeze i was wasting my life being anxious'... but the Irony is... anxiety is giving me those thoughts; which makes me jump up and give life my all (not all the time of course, but it happens)!

So how does Anxiety spark my passion, creativity and drive?

My anxiety is hugely physical, i get headaches, stomach pains, muscle aches, racing heart, twitches and pins and needles etc. Over the years I've learned to understand when Im actually sick and what is brought on by the state of my mental health.

So of course my job in movement and experimenting with how far i can push my body, supports this, I can create a choreography in the depths of sadness, dance is a form of release for me, and creating something new helps my mind stay on track and focussed. I can get easily bored with a routine, for me if each week is the same for a while, I am going insane, I need change, I need freedom, I need new and different things in my life.

At times i have have felt the weird plateau stage of Pole Dance, my journey has been up and down, which i think is completely normal. I feel a lot of pressure to keep up with the best Instructors on Social Media and to be constantly fit and in love with Pole! But thats not a reality for me.

I find Anxiety will drive me to focus on why, why do i do this? And i know its because i have the knowledge to support others on their Pole Journey, make them feel seen and comfortable to be themself.

I travelled because of my anxiety and panic attacks.

I has led to me extroadinary places; feeling fear, feeling constant worry, feeling overwhelmed, feeling all the doom and that something bad will ofcourse happen... but lets do it anyway.

It helps grow resilience and strength to continue and when you are at your absolute lowest, you know it can't get any worse than this.

With Anxiety forcing me to travel, Ive met so many new, incredible people, with different backgrounds, different life experiences, different cultures, different views of life...

Mostly good, but of course the bag eggs teach us a lot about ourselves too.

Creativity can not be forced, there needs to be a fire in the belly to create, build and grow something new, which isn't present at all times. Which is what Anxiety reminds me to do. Stop and be present.

It's almost like your body is screaming out 'listen to me!' The adrenaline rush could be dangerously addictive, the release of crying, exploding, letting it all out and then the silence and fatigue after the rush has gone.

All of this, brings a new meaning to life, a spark in my Creativity.

I want to do something incredible with my life and say; I helped people, I supported people, I made some people laugh, I showed kindness when people needed it and created something big to show people they are allowed to a mess and equally absolutely fabulous.

If i can draw all that out my Anxiety, and help somebody feel better about their day. It's all worth it.

The highs outweigh the lows for me these days, but i'm aware thats not the case for everyone.

I was sick 2 weeks ago and spent 2 days in bed crying, the stress of cancelling work, being alone and not having anyone there to look after me was a dark place.

But it was a wake up call...I've been so stressed i don't sleep or eat well, I've been overthinking and just not looking after my self at all.

I've recently been trying my hardest to relax, switch off and take myself on a small Retreat. I've been using the Calm app to meditate and journal everyday and I feel good.

I have a lot of big goals and dreams, and honestly I'm not letting anybody get in my way anymore! I'm going to do my f**king best, and if that means going solo for a while then so be it.

Huge huge love and thank you for reading,

Bryony xxx

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