I didn’t plan my life to go this way
I don’t often tell people this but I wanted to stay in London with an ex boyfriend and live the big house, kids, a dog - the dream.
I didn’t want to leave my life. I loved it.
But it happened and I left London single, with house savings & debt to go travelling for 2 months ‘classic break up travels’ …and it was the best thing I ever did.
My mind hasn’t been the same since that trip.
I met people in similar confusing points of their life.
I realised I had a craving to fit in but I knew I ultimately I didn’t fit in because I didn’t want similar things.
I can’t settle down and always have a need for change.
That’s why I move furniture in my room around 700 times a month; to make it feel different.
It’s like therapy.
I realised I needed to make choices to get back where I wanted to be.
What did I need to do to get there.
What did I need to overcome.
I lived at home for 4 years; very grateful I could do this, but it was also incredibly tough.
I became self employed and I’m single… impossible to get a mortgage without help or to sell your soul.
Some might say ‘those savings could have got you a mortgage instead you spunked it drinking jungle juice in the Philippines’
I had boyfriends that didn’t want to leave their life when I was ready to go.
I would always worry people judged me.
I think if somebody judges me; I get defensive and think ‘well you have a house, a husband and a dog - I’d have given anything for that’…
But that’s not okay, that’s my insecurity.
I shouldn’t judge their life choices…because im insecure people are judging mine and ultimately a little jealous my life didn’t turn out that way.
But now I’ve made the choices and got through the absolutely mountains of fear and I’ve come this far that I do believe anything is possible.
And I don’t feel jealous anymore; I’ve found peace with it.
Your perfect life plan could changed in the blink of an eye…and it could be the best thing that’s ever happened you.
I think what I’m trying to say is; I’m not special, I didn’t have any savings - I started from scratch, I didn’t know what I wanted exactly, I’ve been through hurt, Ive had all the therapy and I’m still an anxious person full of fear.
But I know what I want now; and I doesn’t involve anyone else’s validation or any of my insecurities. It purely involves what I want.
You can plan and plan and plan…but don’t forget to live while you’re busy planning and remember things will go wrong, things will fuck up, life will deal you with some shitty cards, but it could be the best kick up your butt you needed.
I understand and I’m aware it’s my privilege to have been able to live at home with parents and that I’ve had opportunities and situations that others don’t. I’m forever grateful and won’t ever take that for granted.