Please note: this is chaotic and Im a very messy human.
I'm celebrating 3 Months in Bali... why do i celebrate these small timings? Because so much happens each Month and it reminds me how far I've come and to release some pressure off myself.
Last week was probably the hardest one I've had here.
I can now do a lot of things on my own, but being poorly I'm not so great. I was panicking that I'd get really sick and nobody would help, i was crying because my head hurt, my chest hurt, i was hot, i was cold, i was dizzy... i hadn't eaten at all. And when you don't eat or drink water - it will naturally have a huge effect on your brains function.
So i slept ALOT and just felt like a zombie.
But in the grand scheme the physical illness wasn't my biggest battle.
I went into anxiety overload. Recently I've been struggling with Insecurity, Confidence, Paranoia, Comparison and putting so much pressure on myself that i must work on all these things and become a better person... for myself.
I was blaming what was going on around me - as we all do, its a natural response as we don't really want to delve into our mind like that, nobody wants to so we ignore it.
But being poorly... made me look inward, it was just me and my mind in my bed. I'm staying in a very quiet Guesthouse so there isn't much external noise; the odd dog barking and those wankers with loud motorbikes that make me jump everytime but its generally pretty quiet.
I couldn't even watch Netflix at this point as my mind just felt like mush and i was crying but in a very numb way... there wasn't much feeling in the emotions; it was just a dull ache.
So then when i started feeling better i was like shit, somethings going on... and i don't know what it is.
I sat in silence, staring at my bed. I didn't try to figure it out, i wanted it to come to me naturally. I journalled all my dreams, my thoughts, my anger, my fears and my worries.
In honesty I'm still figuring it all out so i don't have a conclusion but i do have a lot to say...
Caring what other people think of me, fear of judgement is making me sick.
I feel like im in a prison in my own mind; i can't leave the Guesthouse without the intense fear of somebody looking at me.
My confidence has been overshadowed because of this and its made me insecure about how i act, how i look and who i am.
It makes me paranoid that people are looking at me and don't want to be my friend.
I was comparing myself in an unhealthy way.
All these things are the 2019 me... I can relate to all these feelings and fears.
And what we do is blame the world and our external environment.
For example; my automatic response was to go down South and book a month to stay there 'It'll be better I'll feel more comfortable'
This new strength after being poorly; No you gotta stay where you are and go Inward this time.
I went to a cafe, feeling insecure and shy and left early as i felt sick and shakey. I then realised - i do SO many things to conquer FEAR but I'm not actually mindful about these activities or events.
It's completely OK to be socially anxious and shy... its not a bad thing but if were not honest or mindful about it, i think it can take over.
A lot of my friends have announced pregnancy. (I love you all) and I am genuinely so happy for them.
But when i looked inward i realised...I've been comparing my life, thats something i want, this connection with somebody and a life together, and i don't have that and I'm no way near close to having it.
It's so painful and heavy.
Which then makes the mind remind me that i'm a failure at 34 years old.
My business is at a very rocky stage, I'm single when I'd like to have a connection, I would love a child to take on my wild travels and I don't own a cat.
Yeah its too heavy right...lets move on to the Happy Ending pronto!!!
So the beauty of looking inward is that you can't compare; so we've scrapped that bad boy.
Looking inwards I've realised:
I have everything i need right now.
I live in fucking Bali - because i chose to, and i can.
I can be present and i can be happy right here.
Humans are humans - look inside rather than Aesthetically.
Never give up - i will not give up what i hope my business to be.
Connection can be found everywhere - the Cafe shop waitress - I decided to have a chat and it felt great.
I love me for who i am and not how i look and I will continually work on loving myself. Because Lizzo told me to.
I have the power to be honest, authentic and real - its my choice.
Everybody - every single person is allowed a bad day, bad week, bad month.
Everybody is fighting their own insecurities.
Keeping an Open Heart is the most beautiful thing.
My life has taken a different path but im incredibly grateful to be on it.
Be careful what you wish for - i remind myself i'm not looking for the baby and the boyfriend - its more the connection and the love and banter of course.
Congratulate yourself every day. Well bloody done.
Its ok to compare and feel shit - as long as you then look inwards at yourself.
Honestly; I love kids, so i also look into the future sometimes without my own and visualise how I'd feel and I know I'd be so grateful to be surrounded by so many and i can be cool Aunt Bry in Bali.
Nobody has it perfect.
View others lives as Hope.
You have Hope and Inspiration all around you all the time.
Be mindful. Every single activity I aim to enter with a present mind. Yes the insecure thoughts will make an appearance, but I will remind myself, i am allowed to be here as much as the next person.
And finally.....but my biggest biggest one.
I deserve happiness.
You deserve happiness.
We all deserve bundles of happiness.
And in the words of Mumford and Sons: Hold on to what you BELIEVE.
I hope the ending brings you some Hope and Joy and the middle didn't get you down.... I wanted to share it all and take you on this journey with me.
Please note: I know its all relative and people with children often say they wish they could be single and free...were all comparing each other all the damn time.
So please don't message me saying that i 'should be grateful'.
I am incredibly grateful but the you know rough comes with the smooth...thats life.
OK. Over and Out I'm off to the beach.
Love you all loads xxxxxxxxxxxxxx