I am afraid of heights and I'm scared of flying... I couldn't even climb a ladder the other day to put up Christmas Lights, i got my 66 year old mum to do it.
She was fine, I joked... 'I can't fall, i've got a career that needs my body'.
But part of me, a small part wished that i could be that person that climbs the ladder, doesn't freak out, could breath and enjoy heights and be free up there.
I think what's so hard at the moment is its not just the UK that's having a tough time, its the whole world. I find that concept quite difficult to comprehend in my little mind.
I've been having a really tough time the past week; when i get anxious i overthink, i get scared, i consume so much information - that makes me feel worse, i go to the dark places in my mind where i find comfort.
The thing is... i have learnt from many breakdowns that i'm most creative in my darkest hours, i get randomly really motivated and think BIG things; 'I'm gonna change the world', i know there is something special about to happen and this won't last forever so i must ride it out and do the best i can each day.
Even if that means just recognising what's happening in my mind and body, no forcing or changing, just recognising.
I often sit there thinking 'why am i so angry right now, why can't i stop crying?' and i can't find an answer, but i know it'll pop up in a few days.
14 Peaks was an eye opener to many of the beliefs i have about myself.
People who have no Fear or say they're Fearless... scare the shit out of me. HOW? How do you have no FEAR?
But its much deeper than that, in the film Nimsdai Purja is told what he wants to do is Impossible, many times! But he fights and fights to organise what he wants to do because he believes it will inspire others to do what they want to do... a selfless act, he was determined to do something big to show the world that Nothing is Impossible. "I want to show the world what a human can do"
He has no Fear...(scary crazy person) BUT he believed every step of the way; thats the difference! He knew it would work because he believed it would.
There are times in the documentary that you see his fear; which i don't feel surprised at, every human has this in them. It's how he then reacts to that feeling; he fights, he doesn't give up and he believes.
He was genuinely doing something that seemed impossible and deadly to him and his team.
So i started thinking; what i want to do isn't deadly or impossible... hmm, what's my excuse?
I believe in what i want to do but i make a lot of excuses because I'm scared of failure.
“You have to be willing to try. Trying means also, you have a chance to fail.”
So now i need to work on that, and don't mean journal it, i mean FIGHT for it. I have to fight to believe in myself, catch myself out, recognise the thoughts and behaviour.
I believe in environment being a big part of this too, your friends and family don't need to support or give advice, they just need to believe in you, you need to feel that.
Nimsdai's whole team was on the exact same page as him. It wouldn't have worked if he had one of them doubting what they were doing.
His spirit, his energy, his personality were all so inspiring. He cares so much for other people.
I genuinley sat for a while after watching it thinking what an amazing person, what an amazing world, what an amazing life.
If there is something on your mind you're desperate to do, watch this film.
" Sometimes you feel like you are fucked, but when you say you are actually fucked, you are only like about 45% fucked.”
All the quotes are from the film... GO WATCH IT.
Fear is your Friend Team.