I know I’m not physically alone, I’ve been in Bali for 2 years now, I have work friends and friends who I can call family. I have friends from all over the World and there are so many communities to be part of here, you are always one facebook page away from a group of people.
But there are times when I am completely alone and that’s when I’m learning very deeply about myself.
I tend not to talk to anyone about this, when I’m teaching I can switch off parts of my brain to fully focus on the task in hand (not letting my students fall off the pole!).
I can be fully functioning and be going through the hardest time in my mental health, I’m not sure this is a healthy thing to do, but I believe everyone deals with things differently and after teaching for so many years I’ve developed this skill.
Over a year ago I went through a break up that shook my core, I was chaotic, sick, unable to function and honestly couldn’t really understand why. Yeah I really liked this guy but it could have been to doable to calmly walk away without any drama or hate, it wasn’t a really a tragic love story; it was a modern day relationship where we didn’t understand each other’s triggers, we didn’t communicate well and we didn’t learn about each other.
We jumped straight into it with feelings and started creating a relationship with no foundation of trust, understanding or open conversations. I ignored all this and I think he did too.
So yes I ended it with a commotion and dramatic scenes of a wounded woman that can’t possibly go through another failed relationship. Like it was all my fault and I’ll never, ever recover from this tragedy.
After mentally waking up from intense hurt and confusion, I started to ask some questions to myself.
Why does this keep happening? What am I doing? Am I really hard to love? Is there something wrong with me?
So as they say, once you open pandoras box…it’s impossible to close it.
Once you start with these questions and want to find answers, be prepared as you’re going on a never-ending rollercoaster.
I started a journey into my past; past relationships, past traumas, childhood and analysing recent events. I’m a very visual person and an overthinker! So to logically separate my current discoveries with my anxiety was a fight. There was a lot of victim mode, negative self-talk and spiralling out of control.
With zero sugar coating, it was horrific… my body was in a state of shock, I opened up wounds I’d held in for over 20 years, I had repressed and probably still do repress so many things that happened to me, I found that I hadn’t spoken about a lot of what happened with anyone and that we hold all of this in our body.
The pain was unbearable and I wanted to close the box and return to my life, but then I remembered what had just happened with my ex.
Do I want to be that turbulent, confused woman?
Absolutely not. I had to continue my journey, which meant going through the pain and see what happens if I do.
Releasing. Letting go. Shedding.
That’s what they like to call it, when you’ve been carrying a heavy weight of shame and distress for a long period of time, it needs to be released, and unfortunately for our bodies, it’s a painful process.
I’m going to skip forwards to a lighter, more positive note.
After not really knowing what would happen on the other side, I was pleasantly surprised.
Letting go of old stuff can improve your confidence, mindset and overall wellbeing. You can see a bit more clearly about your future, your goals and dreams. You can see what’s holding you back, what needs more work and what else you’re possibly in need of letting go.
The truth is, we will constantly be on this journey, there isn’t an end goal or perfect way to live.
But there are things we can do to improve our own health and wellbeing, and improve the lives for others around us who may witness the triggers and short explosions of emotions every now and again.
We can work hard on ourselves to make our environment better, which in turn makes our lives more peaceful and calmer.
Yes, I still get very anxious and stressed about work and life, but if I can journal and ask myself at the end of the day, what did I learn? What can I let go of? Did I do my best?
Because all we can do, at the end of the day, is try our best.
Thank you for reading,
Huge love to anyone starting or on this journey. You are not alone.
Huge love, Bry xxxxxxxx
